One thing that men miss the most in relationships is that life is like walking into a rainstorm. At first we are sensitive to the rain on our faces, our feelers are out there as we go forward. We use the umbrella to try and keep us dry. But then as the storm becomes the "norm" for us, we become desensitized to it. It becomes no different than walking in the sunlight. We become asimulated to something that naturally would be a pain, to acceptance.
Women often wonder why a mans' thinking is so much different after the courtship is over, after the ring is on the finger, the paper work filed and everyone is moved into the new digs together. It is indeed an emotional struggle for a man. I once read an article that dealt with intimacy and yes, men have an emotional cycle whether or not they wish to admit it. For men, if they are interested in a woman as more than a friend, it is innate in them to create a situation that leads to intimacy eventually. For the Christian, that can be a struggle because of course sex outside of marriage is not acceptable. That is not to say that it does not happen. We all know in some cases it does.
In the emotional cycle a man goes from point "A" of thinking how to create this situation that would appeal to his wife, to point "B" where he enacts it, to point "C" in which it is fulfilled. The natural feelings for the woman afterwards if she feels all of this was done in love and in romantic proceedings is to want to hold and be held. I am not sure why God made men this way, but sometimes it is a struggle to do this because inside, it is mission accomplished in his emotional world. Yes ladies, men are driven emotionally whether or not they wish to admit it or not. It is how we are wired. No different than you are wired to feel the desire to cuddle with your husband afterwards.If they have made you feel loved... I say if. For some reason men feel women are obligated, after all they married you right? It would be so much easier if husbands realized just as marriage is supposed to be forever, so should a courtship.
When my marriage fell apart I asked God why. I really wanted to know. You may laugh at this, but I feel like he answered me on a late night infomercial on the books written by Dr Gray. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There is a scripture that says "my people are destroyed by their lack of knowledge." It is true, what you do not understand can destroy you, your marriage and your life. I listened very deeply to what was being said. I entered into the realm of trying to understand the dynamics between men and the creatures men love so much but often misunderstand. What I discovered did not save my marriage, but it did allow me to understand what had just happened in my life.
In a mans eyes, they might say, well hot shot, if you found the answer and what you are trying to convey is true, why could you not fix your situation. I would say to these people, it is like driving your vehicle around recklessly on four bad tires. Negligent on your part because you are too lazy to take the time to do what needs to be done. Its an obvious issue, but you think it can be put off, and when the tires blow when you take a curve too quickly...you ask how did that happen when you are laying in the ditch critically wounded. Its a weird phenomenon of life.
The man, and I do not know why this is, but when he finally realizes that there is an issue; its often too late. Why would I say that? Because women are all about relationships. Once they have the man they choose, they want to always be building on these relationships. If the man forgets how to court, forgets that she is not an object in which to pleasure himself, forgets how important certain things are to her, he is in huge trouble. Men like this miss the hundreds of efforts she makes to get him to address issues that matter....to HER. Sadly this type of man only lifts his eyes from the TV when she says, I am leaving. If you need to contact me, I will be at Moms'. THEN he is ready to be her Prince again. But that Prince died to her. She had given all she can. Relationships mean everything to your Lady, and if you ignore that and do not nurture it, when she is ready to go, more than likely your relationship is dead. On life support at best.
Things that I did learn was that we are different. Men, if you treat her logically, like you would deal with another man. If you always say here and think it is fixed, you are in trouble buddy. She doesn't want things always fixed. She wants to know she is heard. She wants to be treasured in a healthy way. Just as badly as she wants you to know her heart, she will know yours. So you had better spend time knowing hers. Why did you marry her if you didnt want to know her, and have a great life together? Was it just the sex?
In today's world, both men and women usually work. The innateness comes into play. When we as men come home, we have that sense of accomplishment as providers. We feel we have earned the right to come home, sit down, read a newspaper or watch tv and "zone out" to the world. Our wives also take on the provider role. But her world is harder. Yeah you may have a blue collar job and say that I am crazy because your physical labor, she could never do. The problem is, she comes home, she inst wired to shut down. She has all of these other issues to deal with, housework. Meals, all the things she feels responsible for. So, even though you have no issue with resting, she can not.
Why is that? Well, each of us, whether male or female both have masculine and feminine emotions. When a woman goes into the work place, it is in her masculine provider side. Its not how they were created, so its difficult. Its more out of necessity. Yes careers appeal to many. Nothing wrong with that. But what does a man need to do to help her? First thing is to get out of your innate lazy mode when you get home. That is accomplished when you each day make a concentrated effort to understand her battle in this. Her inability to shut down and realize you can help her. Hmmn.. how? Well you can use that feminine side, the one that is sensitive.
One of the suggestions I have read is this. Find a nice place like the kitchen and sit down beside her. Ask her questions about her day.
Use nonsexual touching. This helps the process of helping her feel feminine again. What should you ask her? Ask her if she is ok. In most cases she will say ok. DO NOT JUST ACCEPT THIS! Its a trap. She is all about relationships. Always remember this. So just mention a few things, small talk, and then go back to "Are you sure everything is ok? You have to realize inside her emotional realm is a real need to feel important to the man she shares her life, her dreams and the most intimate place, her bed.
If you will just keep prodding, she will eventually tell you what is on her heart. Hint: You need to listen to her. Pop quizes will happen at anytime down the road. If you really love her, get beyond yourself and listen. Do not try and fix things unless asked. Just listen and take mental notes. By the time she is done, you will have the woman that will want to please you in any way you can imagine. Why? She already loves you, and she knows you love her back now.
That just about covers everything doesn't it? Uhmmmmm no. The next issue is what about those domestic issues such as cooking and cleaning that still need to be done. STEP IN. If she cooks, you go run the sweeper.Help do dishes, clear off the table. Fold clothes, just make sure she knows you are in this together. These things are just as romantic to her as a rose and candy. *Do not forget that as well some times. You can avoid the storms of a relationship by putting those tires on the vehicle. That is done by just as her going out and help in providing, you are realizing you need to be more than a provider, you need some Suzy home maker in you too.
You not only should do it, but you need to.
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