Transparent Came I

There is a fine line between being transparent and also guarding your heart. It is important to guard your heart. Important to count the costs involved in a possible relationship. However before you even start thinking about relationships, it is important to look deep into yourself and think. First off there are many people out there that you would not choose as a mate. Many different reasons involved in that decision for you.

Most people do not want to hurt someone else when you turn them down. That is a good trait and shows a good heart on your part. It's not personal, it is just that they do not match up. Perhaps spiritually, attractiveness or even materially. There are so many reasons.

Too often we brand ourselves as a reject when someone says, thanks but no thanks to our advances. It is a whole lot more in most cases about what they want, than who you are as a person. If we can look at it as how we feel when we say thanks, but no thanks; then the pain is greatly lessened.

We all have a little game face when it comes to relationships. Whether it is a weak one, a tender one or a harsh one that is meant to protect us. If we see someone that we admire in all ways. How they carry themselves. How they keep in shape and other things that clearly point to that person doing their best and bringing their "A" Game approach in life. Do we also have an "A" game that we are bringing to the table? Or are we just getting by, thinking that is good enough?

Before we start, we need to have the cake baked, out of the oven and the icing on. You don't present a half baked cake to anyone and expect a good response. There will be no acceptance, and quite frankly, you should not expect it.

I am not saying all of this to discourage anyone. Just to help them see that the expectations you have of a mate are close in many ways to what others want too. So if you can not fulfill your own expectations, perhaps you should be a tad more realistic in your own.

Once you take into consideration these two aspects. Your A Game, realistic goals. You can then proceed to approach someone not as concerned if they say yes or no. Instead it is not a thing of rejection, but rather of choice.

It is not as bad as it seems. As a matter of fact look at approaching someone as like doing an interview. No one gets every job. But what most people do, is they learn from each interview. They change things up a tad here and there. Then.... one day the door opens. If you give up from a few doors being closed in regards to a relationship desire, you can never have one. But if you think about how you can approach it better, make yourself more presentable, then there is a chance. A much better chance. It is about choices for them just as it is for you. Look at it that way, instead of a personal branding of rejection on your forehead.

God Bless

Dont fall in love with a dreamer...

Most of us have heard that song. The assured dangers of falling in love with a dreamer. The truth is, there is no future in it at all. None

One of the biggest no-no's in life is to get emotionally attached to the wrong type of person. This is exactly why the slow and prayerful, if you believe in God approach; is the best kind.
I can tell you from experience that you will eventually have your heart ripped out. It doesn't matter if you give your all. If they do not or can not, disaster is ahead for you. Not  only will you hear the broken heart beat inside, you will close your eyes and feel the anguish that you never ever want to feel again. It is avoidable if you keep a short list to watch:


A] Is that person sincere and consistent?
B] Do they do what they say when and how they say they will
C] Am I fitting in comfortably in their schedule, or am I an afterthought?
D] Do they love animals? This usually means they value life and companionship
E] Is this just a physical attraction or is it a relationship where what means something to one, is also important to the other?
F] Can you see this person being the love of your life and a co-parent of your children?


Luke 14:28 LV "But don't begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?                        *wisdom*

Everything in life has a cost. You need to check the price tag and see if it is affordable and if it is what you not only need but want.

Lessons learnedfrom a distance........

Several years ago my friend remarried someone they had known for a long time. They had forged a good friendship and when they both were divorced, they decided to date.

When they were courting there were some red flags, but she later admitted that she ignored them. The pluses seemed to outweigh the minuses in the relationship. He was pretty easy going it seemed. He didn't appear to have a problem with the close friendship that I had with her. Everything seemed ok. The bliss and the courtship was there. They had a beautiful wedding.

The wedding was fabulous. Many of their friends and family attended. It was by far the best wedding that I ever attended.I was very happy for them. I wanted her to be happy in life and it looked like this was going to take place for them. But there is an old saying, count the costs before you take on an endeavor and this situation started to erode.

There had been a few issues that she knew were there. Both had a boy and a girl, teenagers to deal with.The biggest problem was that she raised her two much more strictly than he raised his. So when issues of discipline and rules came out, there was friction.

Quite honestly that is something that we all need to consider if we meet someone. How will the kids affect our relationship? Are we on the same page with our beliefs and approach to life. This is very important.

The beginning of the end was when all off a sudden he wanted her to dress differently and became jealous of her friends.There were times the tension was so big that you could cut it with a knife. They would go to parties and if he noticed a man looking at her, he was jealous and blamed her.

What was lost in this was, she had come with him. She had chosen to marry him and that was not good enough. They went to counseling and he kept blaming her, even though all the counselors were telling him that he was the one with the illogical issues.

He ended up leaving. She tried hard to make it work and it could not. What I want to point out here is the failure is a trust issue. In this  case a man not comfortable enough in his own skin to trust someone who loved him. There were two sides to this. But the main thing is know the person. Know what the main issues would be before you marry them. Reconsider all red flags and how you can or if you even can deal with them. If you can not, yet feel you can over look them, you are wrong. Honesty begins with yourself. If you can not do that, you will usually fail or just be miserable succeeding.

                             THINK IT ALL OVER !!!

the driving rain storm and what we men miss

One thing that men miss the most in relationships is that life is like walking into a rainstorm. At first we are sensitive to the rain on our  faces, our feelers are out there as we go forward. We use the umbrella to try and keep us dry. But then as the storm becomes the "norm" for us, we become desensitized to it. It becomes no different than walking in the sunlight. We become asimulated to something that naturally would be a pain, to acceptance.

Women often wonder why a mans' thinking is so much different after the courtship is over, after the ring is on the finger, the paper work filed and everyone is moved into the new digs together. It is indeed an emotional struggle for a man. I once read an article that dealt with intimacy and yes, men have an emotional cycle whether or not they wish to admit it. For men, if they are interested in a woman as more than a friend, it is innate in them to create a situation that leads to intimacy eventually. For the Christian, that can be a struggle because of course sex outside of marriage is not acceptable. That is not to say that it does not happen. We all know in some cases it does.

In the emotional cycle a man goes from point "A" of thinking how to create this situation that would appeal to his wife, to point "B" where he enacts it, to point "C" in which it is fulfilled. The natural feelings for the woman afterwards if she feels all of this was done in love and in romantic proceedings is to want to hold and be held. I am not sure why God made  men this way, but sometimes  it is a struggle to do this because inside, it is mission accomplished in his emotional world. Yes ladies, men are  driven emotionally whether or not they wish to admit it or not. It is how we are wired. No different than you are wired to feel the desire to cuddle with your husband afterwards.If they have made you feel loved... I say if. For some reason men feel women are obligated, after all they married you right? It would be so much easier if husbands realized just as marriage is supposed to be forever, so should a courtship.

When my marriage fell apart I asked God why. I really wanted to know. You may laugh at this, but I feel like he answered me on a late night infomercial on the books written by Dr Gray. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There is a scripture that says "my people are destroyed by their lack of knowledge." It is true, what you do not understand can destroy you, your marriage and your life. I listened very deeply to what was being said. I entered into the realm of trying to understand the dynamics between men and the creatures men love so much but often misunderstand. What I discovered did not save my marriage, but it did allow me to understand what had just happened in my life.

In a mans eyes, they might say, well hot shot, if you found the answer and what you are trying to convey is true, why could you not fix your situation. I would say to these people, it is like driving your vehicle around recklessly on four bad tires. Negligent on your part because you are too lazy to take the time to do what needs to be done. Its an obvious issue, but you think it can be put off, and when the tires blow when you take a curve too quickly...you ask how did that happen when you are laying in the ditch critically wounded. Its a weird phenomenon of life.

The man, and I do not know why this is, but when he finally realizes that there is an issue; its often too late. Why would I say that? Because women are all about relationships. Once they have the man they choose, they want to always be building on these relationships. If the man forgets how to court, forgets that she is not an object in which to pleasure himself, forgets how important certain things are to her, he is in huge trouble. Men like this miss the hundreds of efforts she makes to get him to address issues that matter....to HER.  Sadly this type  of man only lifts his eyes from the TV when she says, I am leaving. If you need to contact me, I will be at Moms'. THEN he is ready to be her Prince again. But that Prince died to her. She had given all she can. Relationships mean everything to your Lady, and if you ignore that and do not nurture it, when she is ready to go, more than likely your relationship is dead. On life support at best.

Things that I did learn was that we are different. Men, if you treat her logically, like you would deal with another man. If you always say here and think it is fixed, you are in trouble buddy. She doesn't want things always fixed. She wants to know she is heard. She wants to be treasured in a healthy way. Just as badly as she wants you to know her heart, she will know yours. So you had better spend time knowing hers. Why did you marry her  if you didnt want to know her, and have a great life together? Was it just the sex?

In today's world, both men and women usually work. The innateness comes into play. When we as men come home, we have that sense of accomplishment as providers. We feel we have earned the right to come home, sit down, read a newspaper or watch tv and "zone out" to the world. Our wives also take on the provider role. But her world is harder. Yeah you may have a blue collar job and say that I am crazy because your physical labor, she could never do. The problem is, she comes home, she inst wired to shut down. She  has all of these other issues to deal with, housework. Meals, all the things she feels responsible for. So, even though you have no issue with resting, she can not.

Why is that? Well, each of us, whether male or female both have masculine and feminine emotions. When a woman goes into the work place, it is in her masculine provider side.  Its not how they were created, so its difficult. Its more out of necessity. Yes careers appeal to many. Nothing wrong with that. But what does a man need to do to help her? First thing is to get out of your innate lazy mode when you get home. That is accomplished when you each day make a concentrated effort to understand her battle in this. Her inability to shut down and realize you can help her. Hmmn.. how? Well you can use that feminine side, the one that is sensitive.

One of the suggestions I have read is this. Find a nice place like the kitchen and sit down beside her. Ask her questions about her day. Use nonsexual touching. This helps the process of helping her feel feminine again. What should you ask her? Ask her if she is ok. In most cases she will say ok. DO NOT JUST ACCEPT THIS! Its a trap. She is all about relationships. Always remember this. So just mention a few things, small talk, and then go back to "Are you sure everything is ok? You have to realize inside her emotional realm is a real need to feel important to the man she shares her life, her dreams and the most intimate place, her bed.

If you will just keep prodding, she will eventually tell you what is on her heart. Hint: You need to listen to her. Pop quizes will happen at anytime down the road. If you really love her, get beyond yourself and listen. Do not try and fix things unless asked. Just listen and take mental notes. By the time she is done, you will have the woman that will want to please you in any way you can imagine. Why? She already loves you, and she knows you love her back now.

That just about covers everything doesn't it? Uhmmmmm no. The next issue is what about those domestic issues such as cooking and cleaning that still need to be done. STEP IN. If she cooks, you go run the sweeper.Help do dishes, clear off the table. Fold clothes, just make sure she knows you are in this together. These things are just as romantic to her as a rose and candy. *Do not forget that as well some times. You can avoid the storms of a relationship by putting those tires on the vehicle. That is done by just as her going out and help in providing, you are realizing you need to be more than a provider, you need some Suzy home maker in you too. You not only should do it, but you need to.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE THE CARNIVAL

Memories can haunt us....sometimes forever. I have been on my own now since 1998. I divorced in 2000 after almost 20 years of marriage. I went through hell. The ex had the symptoms of bi-polar. I walked on eggs for much of my adult life back then just trying to make an almost impossible situation work. I also at the time did not have the tools to make the situation better. I did not fully understand the difference between women and men. One was logical, the other emotional. There needs to be understanding on both parts.

One of my issues right way was that I did not realize that it indeed was going to take time to heal from all the hurts, pain, rejection and all that goes into a failed relationship of almost 20 years. They say there is like 4-5 steps in healing. perhaps that is true. I know it  took me almost 4 years to fully feel like I was ok. Yeah I dated some here and there. But until I healed I was never really a whole person. You are needy if you arent whole. The worst feeling is thinking of being rejected again. You do not look at things as a confident person. In some instances what you see in others such as forms of manipulation can be found in some of the own things that you may do yourself.

I have watched many people over the years speak out or preach against things and sooner or later what they spoke out against bit them in the butt. Many women I have listened to, speak badly about some guy and if the chance ever came, I often would see them with that man. At first I would scratch my head and think...what? But then it later makes sense because in the emotional realm you can toss logic out the window first thing. The emotional and physical dynamics of things often go without understanding.
One thing I have learned is that I only want to be with someone that wants to be with me as bad as I want to be with them. I am not offended anymore if someone says, thanks but no thanks. I think I am a good guy, but I am not perfect. I know I have my own little quirks. Thats fine. The ones you need to watch out for are the ones that think they have no issues or quirks. "Big Smile"...we all have them. However, there is a difference between a quirk and a person who has not healed.

We can bandage things, but until the healing has happened, it is not functioning peroperly. As an example, I watched my parents die from cancer. Totally waste away. It took me many years to really mourn and be able to remember the good times that we had. All I could do was remember the pain. I look back now and i believe it was basically just me not willing to face the reality and the pain that it placed upon me at a young adult life. I will always remember them, but at  this point I remember them for the good things and not the bad. The bad did not define what actually was.
If you do not have healing, you will be always be doubting people. You will always be looking more at what you think in your mind could go wrong or what could be going on than what is actually happening.We have all our bouts with paranoia over things. Its one thing to get a check in your spirit about something or some one, which is good. It is another to be always expecting the bad out of someone. If that is indeed the case, then it is important in my opinion to take a long look inside and see just what that is all about. That is something that has to be dealt with. Otherwise nothing ever changes. Every relationship you even attempt will be doomed from the get go.

Trust is everything. Being a lifepartner is like throwing yourself in the ocean with the firm belief that your partner has a life saver to throw you, or will jump in with you. Either way, without real trust and a willingness to be more for the other than you expect them to be for you. None of this can happen if you feel like life is out to get you, that someone is always tugging at you, and that  they just do not understand.There is no real peace in this. I have found in my life, when I looked at things this way, I was making everything all about me. In the bible it speaks of allowing God's spirit to live through us. Us getting out of the way. In life, I think if we do come to a place chosen, to just walk in love, the emphasis is not about what people may be saying or doing, but about what we, ourselves do.

A healthy Heart stands on its own. The foundation it is set on is like a rock. It will with stand the storms and trials of life. It has taken the time to heal. It will just know when it matches with another heart that is also set on a rock. A heart that is also healed. These hearts will look at each other and decide if it is a match. If the good is much more than the things that may not be favorable. No match is perfect. But when you have two whole hearts that are forth right, they can become one someday if they choose.

We can either be real, be honest or just keep on flailing in the wind. God can help us heal. It is a process. It takes time, however it is worth it. Without it there is no fullness in a relationship. It is just an ongoing thing of loving in this area and in that one, while always questioning in others. You can heal. You have to be willing. It takes faith in God and a choice to take the time that you need. Each person that you meet is different. The dynamics that exist is one in the world because no one is exactly like you. No one is exactly like them.